You’re helping one child with homework when the other says, “You love them more.” The sentence can feel like an accusation, especially when you’re already stretched between two needs. A quick “That’s not true” may be sincere, but it doesn’t answer what happened just before the child spoke. Start with the moment they noticed, then offer reassurance they can feel in something you do.
Don’t turn the sentence into a debate
You don’t need to prove your love by listing what you do for each child. A tally of rides, lunches or bedtime stories can make the children’s care sound like a competition, and it may invite arguments about whose needs are larger. Instead, acknowledge what the child is telling you: they feel less seen or think the situation was unfair. UNICEF notes that welcoming a new sibling can bring mixed feelings and recommends making time for the older child as much as possible.[1]
You might say, “It sounds like it hurt when I helped your sister first. I love you, and I want to hear what felt unfair.” You can say both parts without requiring the child to accept your explanation immediately. Don’t ask them to agree that you’re fair before you listen to the example they have in mind.
Ask about the moment they mean
A child may point to a recent choice: you sat beside their sibling, bought something for them, or changed plans to help them. Ask one open question and give the answer time. If the child is young or upset, offer a few possible words without treating them as certain: “Was it the game, the seat, or something else?” The point is to understand the event, not to tell the child what they must be feeling.
If you can see a concrete mismatch, name it plainly. “I said I’d watch your drawing, then I got distracted by the baby. I’m sorry I missed it.” Don’t explain at length why the sibling needed you more. Sometimes another child’s immediate need does take priority; that can be true alongside the disappointed child’s need for a return time or acknowledgment.
Make one repair you can keep
Offer a specific next step that fits your capacity: look at the drawing after dinner, spend ten minutes together before school, or explain when you’ll be available once the urgent task is done. A small, reliable moment is more useful than promising to make everything equal. If the child asks for the same outing or object their sibling got, you can hear the wish without committing to an identical purchase.
You might say, “I need to finish helping with your brother now. At 7:30, I can sit with you and look at your comic for ten minutes.” If that time changes, tell the child and offer another concrete time. Don’t make the child responsible for comforting you about the accusation; they shouldn’t have to say you’re a good parent before their concern can be addressed.
When the feeling returns
The reassurance may not settle it the first time. Your child may say it again tomorrow, or reject the offered time. Stay curious about what’s repeating. Is the same practical need being missed, or are ordinary differences between siblings feeling especially sharp this week? You don’t have to equalize every decision, but you can explain differences without ranking the children: “Your sister needed help getting dressed; now I’m available to help you pack.”
If you can’t offer the requested time, don’t pretend otherwise. Say what you can do and follow through. If the conversation turns into an argument about who is loved most, gently return to the actual concern: “We don’t have to compare our love. Tell me what happened today that made you feel left out.” Then choose the next available moment to listen.
References
Sources for the cited guidance and reported material. Worked examples and practical tools are original to Zolls.